


Cards AGainst Muggles

by themadmage



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Betrayal, Bitterness, Cards Against Muggles, Casual Sex, Crack, Dildos, Drabble Collection, Magical Accidents, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Non-Graphic Sexual Content, Other, Plotting, Prompt Fill, Quidditch, Sword of Gryffindor, Whining, irresponsible adults, written while drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 04:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16946913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadmage/pseuds/themadmage
Summary: I got Cards Against Muggles today, which is basically just Cards Against Humanity with a Harry Potter theme, and I've been playing it and drinking all night. My friend pointed out that the cards would make great fanfiction prompts, so here we are. Each chapter, I'll draw three to five cards and write a short fic based on them. I reserve the right to skip any cards that are boring.





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: This chapter's cards are "dragon dildos", " Charlie Weasley's arms", and "betraying your friend to the Dark Lord". 

 

Charlie weasley was a good man. He came from a good family. He had a good job. Everything was good. But it could have been  _better_. Because Charlie Weasley had a problem. Working on the dragon reserve left very little time for dating, and while he'd been led to believe that potential partners would find a dragon tamer sexy, he was alone.

Charlie Weasley masturbated a lot. As a result, he had incredibly buff arms. Luckily, his family assumed that dragon taming involved some sort of physical labor when it was mostly observation and note-taking, so no one took note of his increased muscle mass.

But Charlie Weasley's arms were  _tired._ It was his one weakness, really. 

 

Harry Piotter was a friend to Charlie. They first met when Harry was just a little firstie, but they got on great. Further meetings took place when Harry visited the Burrow, and Harry and Charlie got close.

 

The Dark Lord exploited Charlie's one weakness. Set up an ambush on Harry Potter, and all his problems would go away. In exchange for Harry Potter, the Dark Lord gave Charlie a magical dildo. Not only was it charmed to move on its own, alleviating the stress on Charlie's arms, but it was  _dragon themed_. 

  
There was only one possible answer, really. Harry would probably be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's cards are "playing a rousing game of quidditch", "10 points to Gryffindor", "Hagrid's newest pet", and "having a magical accident that sends you to St. Mungo's".

Harry just wanted to play Quidditch. He didn't want to be special, beyond being a brilliant seeker. He  _certainly_ didn't want to end up here.

Harry had been on his way out to the pitch for a rousing pickup game when he ran face-first into Hagrid. He was apologetic, of course. Hagrid wazs great, even if he did have a penchant for extremely dangerous beasts.

 

Speaking of dangerous beasts. Hagrid had a new pet that he was dying to show the Golden Trio. Running into Harry on his way to the quidditch pitch was perfect timing, really, even if Ron and Hermione were'nt with him. Harry agreed to follow Hagrid to meet his new pet only semi-reluctantly. Hagrid's beasts were dangerous, yes, but  _interesting_. At least on par with quidditch. 

A kraken. Harry wasn't sure there was enough room for a kraken AND the giant squid in the lake, but Hagrid seemed to think so. Harry shrugged. He wasn't an expert on magical creatures. He wasn't sure Hagrid was either, come to think of it, but eh. 

What happened next was an actual mess. Hagrid introduced Harry to Bubbles, who was a very enthusiastic kraken. He tried to shake Harry's hand? But ended up grabbing him around the waist and pulling him into the lake. Hagrid thought it was just precious, of course. 

 

Harry panicked. He hadn't even been able to get a full breath before he was pulled under. He tried to cast a bubble-head charm on himself silently, but his silent casting was shoddy at best and he ended up inflating his skull instead of a bubble of air. 

Next, Harry tried to transfigure himself some gills. The results of THAT don't even need to be detailed. It didn't work, in case you were confused. 

Finally, Harry decided to cast a stinging hex at the kraken's tentacle that was holding him. He wasn't sure if the stinging hex worked exactly like it was supposed to, but Bubbles let go. Harry swam to the surface, barely making it between his massively inflated head and the non-functional gill-adjacent monstrosity on his neck. 

 

Harry woke up at St. Mungo's, most of the magical damage he'd done to himself beneath the surface of the Black Lake reversed. He wasn't sure if he hallucinated or not when he saw Dumbledore walk into the room dressed in a neon pink and green robe with little ducks on it, twinkle his eyes a bit, and say "10 points to Gryffindor" before turning around to leave. He should have played quidditch.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's cards are "wizard sleeves" (?), "being Harry freaking Potter", "casual sex under the Whomping Willow", and "pulling Godric Gryffindor's sword out of my pants". Begin!

Being famous had to count for something. He was Harry freaking Potter. After the war and all that bullshit, Harry decided to take advantage of his fame by having sex with everyone who was willing. Which was a lot of people. He was Harry freaking Potter. 

 

Harry had sex in a lot of different places. He was Harry freaking Potter. He had sex in the dorms. He had sex in the common room (late at night when all the firsties were asleep, of course, we wouldn't want to traumatize anyone). He had sex in the room of requirement. He had sex in hallways. He even had sex in the potions classroom to get one over one Snape, because even though the greasy git was dead Harry still hated him. (Albus Severus Potter is a terrible name, Harry thought while having sex in the potions room. He'd have to remember that.)

Harry also had sex with a lot of different people. He was Harry freaking Potter. He had sex with boys. He had sex with girls. He had sex with people who were neither. He had sex with people from every house.

The point is, Harry had a lot of sex. He even kept condoms in his wizard sleeves. He was Harry freaking Potter.

 

Harry had a lot of sex in a lot of different places with a lot of different people. He was, after all, Harry freaking Potter. This place was new, however. Getting under the Whomping Willow without an animagus was a challenge, but he was Harry freaking Potter. If he wanted to have casual sex under the whomping whillhow, he would. He got himself and the girl (what was her name again? Hopefully not Albus SEverus.) under the tree with only minimal difficulty. If anyone could do it, he could. He was Harry freaking Potter. Once they were there, Harry needed to pull out the moves to impress his new conquest. And by moves, I mean sword. No, a real sword, not his dick. Yet. Because he was Harry freaking Potter, he had constant access to the Sword of Gryffindor. Ever since that time he used it to kill a basilisk, he could pull it out of anything. If only he knew that while he was camping in the Forest of Dean for, like, forever. But he couldn't be expected to know everything. He was Harry freaking Potter. Knowing everything was Hermione's job.

So, Harry pulled the Sword of Gryffindor out of his pants. Unzipped his fly, acted like he was going to take out his cock, and drew an actual sword. The girl was tottallyy impresed. Of course she was. He was Harry freaking Potter. The sex was good. Her world was rocked. Of course she was. He was Harry freaking Potter. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Harry Potter whining like the little bitch he is", "Pansy Parkinson", "wizards incorrectly dressed as muggles", "Alastor Moody's mad eyes"

Pansy didn't regret suggesting they send Harry Potter to his death during the final battle. Not only were their lives in danger, but Potter complained about  _everything_.  "Parkinson tried to offer me up to Voldemort," he says, right in between "My shoes are too tight" and "My relatives kept me in a cupboard." Psh. He was weak.

 

Pansy watched Potter closely during their eighth year, for lack of anything better to do. He never stopped whining, the little bitch. It made for good conversation inthe snake pit. "My roommates can't dress muggle when we sneak out to go clubbing." "Mad eye Moody's eyes always seemed to be watching professor Trawleny with too much interest. Both of them." "The systematic enslavement of House elves is a real problem and we should have listened to Hermione years ago." Pansy scoffed. She'd give Potter something to moan about.

 

No, not like that. Get your head out of the gutter. Moan as in bitch and moan. Complain. Ugh, Pansy was so above having sex with Potter. She was going to make his life miserable. By minorly inconveniencing him until he didn't even have time to complain . It was the perfect plot.


End file.
